I think I might be the abusive one
Written for the person worried about their own behaviour. How to look squarely at what you do, what real change looks like from the inside, and where help is.
You have done something, or several things, and you are frightened of what they add up to. Maybe your partner has said the word. Maybe you have seen the way they flinch, or go quiet, or check your face before they speak, and you recognised something you did not want to. Maybe you have read a page on this site meant for the other person and found yourself on the wrong side of every sentence.
This page is for you, and it is written without contempt. The people who do this work will tell you that the person who asks this question has already done something most people in their position never do.
What tends to be going on
Asking is a start, and only a start. Noticing is where change begins. It is also where a lot of change ends, because noticing feels like doing something and the relief of having felt bad can stand in for the work. What you do in the next three months matters more than what you feel tonight.
What people usually mean. Some who search this have shouted, or said cruel things in a row, or sulked for days, and are not sure where that sits. Some have grabbed an arm, blocked a door, smashed something. Some have checked a phone, controlled money, decided who their partner sees, and have started to see that pattern from the outside. Some have hit someone. These are not the same, and the page is for all of them, because the move that matters is the same in each case: looking at the specific thing, with the person it happened to in full view.
The explanations. You may have a set of reasons ready. They provoke you. You were tired. It was once. They do it too. Your childhood. Each may hold some truth, and the people who run programmes for this behaviour will tell you that every single one of them is also the thing that stops people changing. The useful question is a smaller one: when I did that, what was I getting? Compliance, quiet, the last word, the feeling of being in charge of a room I felt I was losing. Behaviour that works tends to repeat. Seeing what it does for you is the way out of pretending it just happens.
Both chairs. You may also be on the receiving end of some of this. Relationships where both people behave badly exist. That does not cancel anything you have done, and the way to find out which it is runs through your own side first. The Am I part of the problem? module was built for that.
What this might mean for you
Write down three specific things you have done, with dates, without any sentence beginning "but". If you cannot do it without the but, notice that, and try again tomorrow.
For each, write what it cost your partner: what it did, rather than what you meant by it.
Decide what you will stop, in words a stranger could check. "Be nicer" cannot be checked. "I will not take their phone, and if I want to I will leave the room" can.
Call Respect. 0808 8024 040 is free, confidential and staffed on weekdays by people who do only this. They may suggest a programme. Programmes for this behaviour exist across the UK and the good ones take months, because change that lasts does.
Tell your partner you are doing this, once, plainly, and then do not ask them for credit, patience or reassurance. Change that is used as a lever ("I'm trying, why are you still angry") is the version that does not last, and your partner will have seen it before. If your partner wants to leave, that is theirs to decide, and the measure of whether you have changed is how you behave when they do.
If anything you have done has frightened your partner physically, their safety comes before your progress. Give them room. Do not follow, check or turn up.
One next step
Am I part of the problem? asks the questions you would want a partner to ask of themselves. The free module Real change or performed change is written for the other person to test you with, and it is worth reading from that side. If your partner starts to look at themselves is what we tell them to watch for. The assessment is honest about who is doing what and does not assume you are either person.
Respect Phoneline 0808 8024 040, free, weekdays, for anyone worried about their own behaviour towards a partner. If you are in a relationship where harm runs both ways, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 and the Men's Advice Line is 0808 801 0327. Pressing Escape twice leaves this site at once.
In an emergency, call 999. If you can't speak, press 55 when prompted (Silent Solution) on a mobile.
Related questions
- If I am worried I am abusive, does that mean I am?
- No. It means you have noticed something, which is where every change starts. People who are doing serious harm and have no intention of stopping do not usually search this question. What matters now is whether you are willing to look at specific things you have done, without 'but', and at what they cost the person on the other side.
- What does the Respect Phoneline do?
- It is a free, confidential UK helpline (0808 8024 040, weekdays) for anyone worried about their own behaviour towards a partner. The people who answer have heard every version of this. They will not call you names and they will not tell you that you are fine. They can talk through what is happening and point you to a programme near you if that is the right next step.
- Can I change on my own?
- Some people change a great deal. The ones who do tend to have three things in common: they name specific behaviours rather than a general sense of being difficult, they keep working at it for months after the crisis has passed, and they never use the fact that they are trying as a reason their partner should be more patient. Doing it alongside a programme or a counsellor who works with this is usually faster and more honest than doing it alone.
Where this leads
Updated 2026-10-29. This page is information, not legal, medical or clinical advice. Clearr is a paid reflective service run by a company, not a charity or crisis service.