The library
Each module is under fifteen minutes: a short read, one exercise you do rather than read, and, where it says so, something that updates your profile. Safety modules are free for everyone, always. The first module in each lens is free too.
Membership opens every module, including the Strengthen, Rebuild and After tracks, plus your log, a monthly check-in and goals. From £3.25 a month.
See membershipSafety
Do you feel safe with your partner, and are any children safe? Always the first question.
- 1 · 12 min · Reading + checklistIs this danger? Recognising control and escalation
Fear is information. This module helps you tell the difference between a hard relationship and one where you are being controlled, and what tends to come next.
FreeUpdates: Safety
- 2 · 14 min · Reading + personal safety plan builderStaying safer while you decide
A safety plan is not a leaving plan. This module helps you build one that fits your life as it is now, whatever you go on to decide.
Free - 3 · 15 min · Reading + planLeaving safely
The weeks around a separation are the most dangerous in an abusive relationship. This module explains why, and how people plan a leaving so that the danger is lower.
Free - 4 · 14 min · Interactive checklistYour phone, your money, your data
Control runs through devices and bank accounts as much as through words. A checklist for finding out how much of your life your partner can see, and quietly getting some of it back.
Free - 5 · 13 min · ReadingChildren: what they see
Children notice more than parents hope and understand less than they fear. This module is about what they take in, what helps them, and how to think about staying or going when they are part of the picture.
FreeUpdates: Safety
Pattern
What keeps happening between you, and is it the ordinary kind of difficult or something with a known shape?
- 6 · 13 min · Reading + sorting exerciseDon't all couples have problems?
Yes. But a hard relationship and one that is not working feel the same from inside a bad week. This module gives you the four tests that tell them apart.
FreeUpdates: Pattern
- 7 · 14 min · Reading + scenariosWhen the problem is immaturity
Avoidance, sulking, promises that fade, and a household where one adult carries everything. This pattern can change, but only on two conditions, and one of them is yours.
MembersUpdates: Pattern
- 8 · 15 min · Reading + scenariosWhen the problem is drink, drugs or compulsion
When a habit is running the house, the relationship stops being between two people. This module is about the rhythm that sets in, what you can and cannot do about it, and what recovery looks like when it is real.
MembersUpdates: Pattern
- 9 · 13 min · Reading + scenariosWhen your partner is unwell
Long stretches of being low, anxious or withdrawn are nobody's fault. What your partner does about it, and what it is costing you, are still real questions.
MembersUpdates: Pattern
- 10 · 18 min · Reading + scenariosWhen the problem is control
Control is a belief about who gets to decide, not a temper that gets lost. This is the longer read on how it works, why it is so hard to see, and what, if anything, changes it.
MembersUpdates: Pattern, Safety
- 11 · 12 min · Reading + values exerciseWhen it is simply a mismatch
Two decent people who want different lives, or who have drifted until they are kind flatmates. There is no villain here, and it is still a real reason.
MembersUpdates: Pattern
- 12 · 10 min · Interactive logKeeping a log
Memory is unreliable when things are hard, and that is not your fault. Start with four weeks of plain, dated entries, then keep going for as long as it helps: the log builds into a record you can trust.
MembersUpdates: Pattern, Change
Self
Who are you in this relationship and outside it, and what do you bring to it?
- 13 · 11 min · Reflective writingWho were you before?
You cannot weigh a life you can no longer see. This module rebuilds a picture of yourself before and outside this relationship, so that there is something on the other side of the scales.
FreeUpdates: Self
- 14 · 12 min · Interactive inventoryWhat this has cost you
The cost of staying is paid gradually and out of sight. The cost of leaving is imagined all at once. This inventory puts them on the same page.
MembersUpdates: Self
- 15 · 14 min · Honest self-checkAm I part of the problem?
Written for the reader who suspects their own behaviour is some or all of what is wrong. No shame, and no letting you off.
MembersUpdates: Self
- 16 · 11 min · 14-day plan builderGetting back to centre
Whatever you decide, you will need your own footing to do it. Fourteen days of small, daily things that put the ground back under you.
MembersUpdates: Self
- 17 · 12 min · Scripts + practiceLines that hold
A line you hold is a statement about what you will do, not a demand about what they do. How to word one, what happens when it is tested, and why a line crossed with no consequence is information.
MembersUpdates: Self
Change
What is changing, on either side, and is it the kind that lasts?
- 18 · 12 min · Reading + re-askReal change or performed change?
Most people deciding whether to stay are really deciding whether to believe a change. This module gives you six tests that separate change that holds from change that is for show.
FreeUpdates: Change
- 19 · 10 min · InteractiveWhat would convince you?
Decide what real change would look like before the next apology arrives, so that you are judging against something you chose rather than something you were offered.
MembersUpdates: Change
- 20 · 12 min · Reading + log analysisThe apology cycle
Tension, incident, apology, calm, repeat. Why the calm phase is the most convincing part, how the loop shortens, and how to find it in your own log.
MembersUpdates: Change
- 21 · 11 min · ReadingIf your partner starts to look at themselves
What the early months of real change look like from the outside, how to respond without rewarding too early or punishing honesty, and why you keep your own plans in place meanwhile.
MembersUpdates: Change
Decision
Where are you leaning, and what would the next step be?
- 22 · 12 min · Interactive weightingWeighing it: your leaning today
How to weigh up staying or going without pretending to be a calculator. Eight factors, your rating of each, and a reading of where you lean today. Not a verdict.
FreeUpdates: Decision
- 23 · 14 min · Interactive + UK signpostingWhat's really holding you?
Money, housing, children, faith, fear, shame, love. The reasons people stay, named plainly, each with a UK route through it, and a place to write your own.
MembersUpdates: Decision
- 24 · 11 min · Reading + values exerciseChoosing differently next time
For later, not now. What to notice early in the next relationship, why speed and intensity are information, and what you now know you need. A checklist for safety and respect, not for perfection.
Members
Strengthen
For relationships that are basically OK and could be better: talking, money, family, closeness, time.
- 33 · 12 min · Reading + scenariosTalking about the hard things
How to raise something that matters without it becoming a row: when to bring it up, what to say first, how to listen when it is about you, and how to end a talk without forcing agreement.
MembersUpdates: Self, Change, Pattern
- 34 · 14 min · Reading + planMoney as a team
Where each of your money habits came from, how to keep your set-up fitting the life you have now, what fairness means when incomes differ, and a monthly money talk you can keep. You finish with a one-page agreement.
MembersUpdates: Self, Pattern
- 35 · 13 min · Reading + sorting exerciseFamily, friends and in-laws
Loyalty pulls, holidays and visits, who speaks to whose family, and keeping friendships of your own. How to handle the people around your relationship from the same side.
MembersUpdates: Self, Pattern
- 36 · 14 min · Reading + checklistDesire and closeness
For couples whose physical closeness has thinned, or whose wanting doesn't match. How touch gets crowded out, how to talk about sex without anyone being on trial, and how to bring back touch that asks for nothing.
MembersUpdates: Self, Decision
- 37 · 12 min · Reading + scenariosTime, attention and the everyday
Where your attention goes on an ordinary day, what happens to the small moments when one of you turns to the other, and how the load at home decides who has any attention left.
MembersUpdates: Self, Pattern
- 38 · 12 min · Reading + monthly planNoticing what works
Most of the attention a couple gives the relationship goes to what is wrong. This turns it towards what already goes well: why it works, how to say so specifically, how to put small misses right the same day, and a look back together once a month.
MembersUpdates: Change, Pattern, Decision
Rebuild
For couples repairing things after a hard time, once safety is clear.
- 25 · 14 min · Shared agreement builderAgreeing what changes, together
Turning 'things need to be different' into two or three specific agreements each of you makes about your own behaviour, and a way of checking whether they hold.
MembersUpdates: Change
- 26 · 10 min · Recurring interactive, 12 weeksRepair habits: the weekly check-in
A twenty-minute weekly conversation with three parts and four rules, repeated for twelve weeks. Small, dull and far more useful than waiting for the next blow-up.
MembersUpdates: Change, Self
- 27 · 13 min · Reading + log analysisWhen it slips
Old patterns come back. This module helps you tell a slip (noticed, owned, repaired within days) from a return to the old cycle, using your log as evidence.
MembersUpdates: Change
- 28 · 15 min · Re-assessment with comparisonSix months on
Half a year into trying again, you redo the Change and Pattern questions with your log open, compare them with where you started, and read what the comparison says.
MembersUpdates: Change, Pattern, Self, Decision
After
For anyone who has left or is leaving, and building what comes next.
- 29 · 14 min · Daily plan + check-inThe first ninety days apart
Why the first weeks after leaving are the hardest, what pulls people back, what the law says about abuse after separation, and a week-by-week plan with small anchors.
MembersUpdates: Self
- 30 · 15 min · Reading + UK signpostingCo-parenting when control was the problem
Why the usual co-parenting advice does not work where one parent controlled the other, what parallel parenting looks like in practice, and what the family courts in the UK take into account.
MembersUpdates: Safety
- 31 · 16 min · Reading + checklist (solicitor-reviewed)Money, housing and the legal process
What separating involves in practice in England, Wales and Scotland (divorce, finances, benefits, housing, protective orders) and where to get advice that is specific to you.
Members - 32 · 14 min · 12-week plan builderRebuilding your own life
Beyond the first ninety days: a twelve-week plan across six areas of your life, the pull towards a new relationship and what to notice if you follow it, and the grief that arrives late.
MembersUpdates: Self