Does couples counselling work?

Sometimes, and the sometimes has a shape. Couples counselling tends to help two people who both want the relationship to work, who are safe with each other, and who have a problem they can both describe in roughly the same way. It tends to do little when one person is attending to prove a point, and it tends to do harm when one partner controls the other.

What it can do

The room does something a kitchen cannot. A third person slows the conversation down, stops the usual escalation at the usual point, and asks the question neither of you asks because you both already know the answer you expect. For couples whose problem is poor repair (rows that never resolve, resentments that stack up, two people who have stopped saying what they want), that is often enough to shift things.

It also puts the relationship under a light. Things said in a counsellor's room are harder to walk back on Thursday. For a partner who has promised to change, it is one of the few places where that promise can be witnessed and returned to.

What it cannot do

It cannot make someone want something they do not want. If one of you has already left in your head, counselling becomes a place to say so, which has its own value, but it will not revive the relationship.

It cannot fix a problem that only one of you thinks exists. If your partner's view is that you are the problem and the counselling is there to repair you, you will spend the sessions defending yourself.

And it cannot reach drink, drugs or compulsion while those are still running. A partner whose drinking drives the trouble needs that addressed first, usually on their own.

Where it makes things worse

Where one partner controls the other, the people who work in this field are clear: couples work is unsafe. The reasons are practical. You cannot speak freely in a room with someone who will make you pay for it at home. The counsellor sees two reasonable adults and treats the problem as shared, which is exactly the account your partner wants on record. Your partner learns the language of the sessions and uses it afterwards ("the counsellor said you need to work on your reactions"). Many services will decline to see a couple where abuse is disclosed, and that refusal is protective.

If any of these are familiar, the question to ask is whether you would feel able to say, in the room, the thing you are most frightened of. If the answer is no, the room is not safe enough for the work.

Turn the same question on yourself. If your partner has said they cannot speak freely with you, or that they are frightened of your reaction, that matters, whatever your view of their fairness. The Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) is for anyone who is worried about their own behaviour towards a partner.

Finding it in the UK

Relate and similar services offer couples work with fees on a sliding scale. Some areas have free or low-cost provision through charities. Individual counselling is available through NHS Talking Therapies in England, by self-referral, and through your GP across the UK. Waiting lists are real and vary a great deal by area.

What this might mean for you

Before booking anything, it helps to know which kind of problem you have. The free module Don't all couples have problems? separates ordinary difficulty from the patterns where repair work is the wrong tool. If control is part of the picture, the member module When the problem is control explains why the usual advice does not apply. For the ordinary version of this question, Should we try counselling? is written for couples who are safe with each other and stuck.

If you are frightened of your partner, counselling is not the next step. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247, Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop 0800 999 5428.