How do I help a friend in an abusive relationship?

Stay close, believe them, and resist the urge to tell them what to do. People leave abusive relationships when they have somewhere to go, people who have not given up on them, and a reason to trust their own judgement again. You can provide all three without ever saying the word "leave". Saying it tends to cost you the first two.

Why "just leave" does not work

Your friend already knows what you think. They can see it in your face. What they are weighing is a set of things you cannot see from outside: money, housing, children, fear of what their partner will do, shame, love, hope, and a long training in doubting themselves. On average, people in abusive relationships make several attempts before leaving for good, and the time around leaving is the most dangerous. Pushing someone to go before they have a plan can make things worse.

There is also a simpler problem. Being told what to do, having their decisions overruled, being made to feel stupid: that is what their partner does. If you do it too, even kindly, you become one more voice to manage, and you will be the one who gets dropped, because you are the safer one to drop.

What helps

• Ask and listen. "How are things at home?" "You seemed a bit flat on Saturday. Everything all right?" Then listen without rushing to a conclusion. Let them get there.
• Believe them, and say so. "That sounds frightening." "That isn't okay." You are only reflecting back what they told you.
• Name what you have noticed, gently. "I've noticed you check your phone a lot when we're out." "I've not seen much of you this year." Observations, not accusations.
• Keep the door open. Make plans. Keep making them when they cancel. Text when there is no reason to. Isolation is how control works, and your ordinary friendship is a counterweight to it.
• Be practical when asked. Hold a bag of their things. Be the address for a bank letter. Be the person they can ring at 3am. Know the helpline numbers so you can give them without a search history.
• Do not confront the partner. It rarely helps and often makes things worse for your friend after you have gone home.
• Look after yourself. This is slow and frustrating, and you may be in it for a long time. The helplines will talk to you too.

If they are not ready to hear it

Then you say less and stay more. You can be the person who never made them choose between the friendship and the relationship. Months or years later, when they are ready, you will be the person they call. That is far from nothing, and it is often the whole thing.

What this might mean for you

If you want to understand what your friend may be dealing with, the free module Is this danger? goes through the risk questions UK services use, and reading it will help you notice what matters. If you want to give your friend something to read without pushing, Pass this on explains how to share Clearr in a way that does not leave a trace on their phone or in their history. You can also pass on a helpline number on paper, or simply say: "If you ever want to talk to someone who knows about this stuff, I know where to look."

If you are worried about someone and want to talk it through with someone trained: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, takes calls from friends and family). Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327. Galop (LGBT+) 0800 999 5428. Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline 0800 027 1234. If you believe someone is in immediate danger, call 999.