How do I know if my partner will change?

You cannot know, and anyone who says otherwise is guessing. What you can do is know the signs that tend to come before real change, watch for them over a set period, and refuse to decide on anything shorter than that. The question "will they change?" has no answer today. The question "what would I need to see, and am I seeing it?" does.

What tends to come first

People who have watched many partners try to change describe some early signals that are worth more than promises.

They describe their own behaviour before you do. "I know I upset you" is about your reaction. What they did, in detail, and what it was like for you, is about their conduct, and that is the version to listen for. If their account of events still differs from yours, nothing has moved yet.

They go outside the relationship for help and stay there. A programme, a counsellor who works with this behaviour, a GP about their drinking. One session is a gesture. Months of attendance that you did not have to nag for is something else.

They stop in moments that cost them. You say no, and it stays no. You see a friend and there is no atmosphere afterwards. They are wrong and say so without a balancing list of your faults. These are small and that is the point. Nobody performs small.

They stop keeping score. Their change is not something you owe them for. It does not appear in arguments as proof of who is the better person. It does not need you to notice it.

What does not predict change

Remorse, on its own. The depth of feeling after an incident tells you how bad they feel, not what they will do. Some of the most moving apologies come from people who have given them many times.

Agreeing with everything you say. A partner who suddenly accepts every criticism may have realised that agreeing is the fastest way to end the conversation.

Change in the thing you named while something new appears. You said the shouting had to stop and it has. Now there is silence that lasts for days.

A good month. One is not a pattern. Pressure returns in the ordinary way, through money and work and tiredness, and what happens then is the test.

While you wait

Watching is not the same as putting your life on hold. Keep your own evidence somewhere private: a dated line each day about what happened. Keep your friendships and your money where they are. Decide now what you will do if the period ends and the change has not come, so that the decision is already made when you are tired and hoping.

And turn the lens round once. If you are the partner who has been asked to change, every test above applies to you, and the Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) is for people who want to do it properly.

What this might mean for you

The member module What would convince you gets you to set the terms in writing: what you need to see, by when, and what follows if you do not. If your partner starts to look at themselves is for when something real may be moving and you want to know what to protect while it does. The free module Real change or performed change sets out the difference in full.

If the behaviour you are hoping will change has frightened you, your safety does not wait for the outcome. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247, Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop 0800 999 5428.