How long should I give them to change?

Long enough to see whether it holds under ordinary pressure, and no longer than you can bear without losing yourself. For most people that is somewhere between three and twelve months, but the number matters less than two other things: deciding in advance what you are looking for, and not resetting the clock every time there is a bad week followed by an apology.

Why the question is hard to answer

Because the clock keeps restarting. A person who has decided to give it "a few more months" usually finds that, a few months later, something has just happened that makes this an unfair time to judge: a death, a job loss, a holiday that went well, a row that was partly your fault. The period never ends because it never properly begins.

The second reason is that "change" is left vague. If you have not said, even to yourself, what you would need to see, then every good day is evidence and every bad day is an exception, or the other way round depending on how you woke up.

Setting the period so it means something

Write down what change would look like. Specific and observable, not "treat me better". For example: I can see a friend without an atmosphere afterwards. I can disagree without it becoming a two-day silence. I know what is in the joint account. No comments about my body. Three to six items is plenty.

Pick a period and a date. Then do not shorten or extend it in the moment. If you want to change it, wait a week and change it on a calm day.

Keep a record. A line a day, somewhere private. Not for them, for you. Memory is unreliable in both directions: it forgets the small daily cost and it overweights the last dramatic thing.

Decide what happens at the end. Not necessarily leaving. It might be a conversation, a solicitor's appointment, a trial separation, a different kind of help. But something, so the date has weight.

What to watch inside the period

• Does it hold when it costs them? Change that appears when you are unhappy and disappears when you are reassured is management, not change.
• Does it hold under stress? Anyone can be kind on holiday. Watch the month with the bad news, the money worry, the illness.
• Is it moving in one direction? Setbacks happen. The question is whether the trend over the whole period is towards the things you wrote down, or whether the same ground is being covered again.
• Is it being used? "After everything I've done" is a sign that the change has become a debt you owe.

When the question is the answer

Some people have been asking "how long should I give them?" for years. If you have set periods before and let them pass, if you can remember three different fresh starts, if you are asking this question with a sense of weariness rather than hope, pay attention to that. You may not need more time so much as permission to believe what the time has already told you.

What this might mean for you

The member module What would convince you? helps you set out the specific things you would need to see, and The four-week log gives you a private, structured place to record what actually happens over a month. When the period ends, the free module Weighing it: your leaning today is where you put the evidence and see which way it points.

If the thing you are waiting to change involves fear, threats or control, waiting is not neutral and your safety comes before the clock. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours), Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop (LGBT+) 0800 999 5428.