Is it abuse if I fight back?
Fighting back does not cancel what was done to you, and it does not make you the one causing harm. How the people who assess this tell resistance from control.
Fighting back does not make what they do to you acceptable, and it does not by itself make you the one causing the harm. The people who assess domestic abuse in the UK see this constantly: someone who has been pushed, belittled or cornered for months shoves back, shouts back, or throws something, and is then told, often by the partner, that they are the violent one. That line is used precisely because it works.
What assessors look at
Three questions separate resistance from control, and none of them is "who hit whom last".
Who is afraid? In a relationship where one person controls the other, the controlled person is afraid most of the time and the controlling person is not. If you fight back and then spend days managing the consequences, that tells you something. If your partner fights back and then goes about their day, so does that.
Who runs the other's life? Does one of you decide where the other goes, what they spend, who they see? Violence inside that pattern means something different from violence between two people who are otherwise free.
Who gets hurt? Not who gets touched, who gets injured. Size, strength and willingness to cause harm are not equal, and the risk of serious injury runs mostly in one direction.
Where fighting back fits
Resistance can be anything from refusing to answer to hitting someone who is holding you. It tends to be reactive, short and followed by fear or guilt. Control tends to be planned, repeated and followed by justification. Most people can tell which they are doing if they answer plainly.
It also carries real risk. Fighting back can escalate an incident sharply, and the police, when called, respond to what they find rather than to the history. If you are being hurt, leaving the room and calling 999 is safer than hitting back, however unfair that feels.
Turn it on yourself
Some people reading this are the one who starts it and are using "they fight back" as the reason. The three questions above work in both directions. If your partner is afraid of you, if you make the rules, if they are the one with the bruises, then what you call fighting back is something else. The Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040, weekdays, free) is for people who want to look at that.
What this might mean for you
Nobody here will tell you which of you is which. The member module Am I part of the problem? gives you a private, structured way to look at your own part without letting it cancel theirs. If any incident has involved injury, choking, weapons or threats to kill, read the free module Is this danger? first. The assessment starts there too.
To talk to someone trained for this: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, free), Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop (LGBT+) 0800 999 5428. In an emergency, 999, and press 55 if you cannot speak. Pressing Escape twice leaves this site straight away.
Related questions
- If we both hit each other, is it still domestic abuse?
- It can be. The people who assess this look at who is afraid of whom, who controls the other's daily life, and who is injured or at risk of serious harm. Two people who are equally free and equally unafraid having a physical fight is a different situation from one person defending themselves against someone who controls them.
- Can I be arrested if I hit my partner back?
- Yes. The police respond to what they find, and in the UK they can arrest either or both people. Self-defence is a defence in law if the force was reasonable in the circumstances, but it is decided afterwards. If you are being hurt, the safer route is to get out of the room and call 999 rather than to hit back.
- What if I am the one who starts it?
- Then say so to someone who can help. The Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) is for anyone worried about their own behaviour towards a partner. Looking at your own part does not erase anything done to you, and it is the only part you can change directly.
Where this leads
Updated 2026-10-29. This page is information, not legal, medical or clinical advice. Clearr is a paid reflective service run by a company, not a charity or crisis service.