My partner says everything is my fault. Could they be right?

Nobody is responsible for everything in a relationship, so a partner who says so is wrong about the proportions at the very least. The more useful question is whether they can name anything they do that makes things worse. If they cannot, the problem includes that.

How do I know if I am the problem?

Ask what you do when you are angry and whether your partner is frightened of it. Ask whether they can say no to you and what happens when they do. Ask whether people who knew you before would recognise how you behave at home. If any of those answers trouble you, the Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) will talk it through without judging.

Can it really be both of us?

Yes, and in most ordinary unhappy relationships it is. Two people who both contribute can also both repair, if both are willing. Where one person is frightened of the other, the contributions are no longer comparable, however many faults the frightened one has.

Articles › Questions people ask · Yourself

Is it me or them?

Usually some of both, but not in equal measure, and the question itself tells you something. How to separate your contribution from theirs and who should worry.

Some of both, almost always, but rarely half and half, and the way to find out is to look at behaviour rather than at feelings. Most people asking this question have been asking it for a long time without getting anywhere, because the person they are asking it about keeps supplying the answer.

Why the question is so hard to answer from inside

You are the only witness to most of your relationship, and your partner is the other one. If your two accounts differ, you have nobody to check against. Over time, if one of you is more certain, more articulate or more willing to repeat themselves, their version tends to become the official one. People who have lived with a confident partner for years often find they can no longer say what they themselves think happened.

There is also a trap in the question. "Is it me?" is an honest thing to ask, and people who ask it are usually the ones more willing to look at themselves. The partner who never asks it, who is sure it is you, has by that certainty told you something about how the blame gets shared in your house.

Separating the two

Try the following with specific recent events rather than the relationship in general.

What did you each do? Not feel, do. Who raised their voice, who left the room, who brought up the past, who said the thing designed to hurt. Write it down for both of you with the same level of detail.

What happens after a row? Can either of you apologise for your part without the other turning it into a full confession? Does one of you always end up saying sorry while the other never does? Who decides when it is over?

Who is frightened? This is the question that separates ordinary shared fault from something else. Two people who both behave badly and are both unafraid have a repair problem. If one of you changes what you say, where you go and who you see because of how the other will react, that is a different kind of problem, and the frightened person's faults do not balance it.

What do people outside say? Not about your partner, about you. Friends and family who knew you before: do they say you have changed, gone quiet, become anxious? Or do they say you have become hard, quick to anger, difficult to be around? Both are information.

If the answer is partly you

Then you have found something you can act on, which is more than most people in this situation have. Ordinary contributions (defensiveness, scorekeeping, sulking, saying the cruel thing) can be worked on, and working on them is worth doing regardless of what your partner does. If what you have found is more than that, if your partner is frightened of you or you have hurt them, the Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) exists for exactly this and does not require you to have decided what you are.

What this might mean for you

The member module Am I part of the problem? takes your own contribution seriously without assuming you are the one causing the harm, and routes you on depending on what you find. If the "who is frightened" question landed, When the problem is control explains why fault stops being shareable once fear enters the room. The assessment asks about both of you and shows you the shape without a verdict.

Asking the question is a sign you are willing to look. Keep looking at both of you, with the same honesty.

Where this leads

Updated 2026-10-29. This page is information, not legal, medical or clinical advice. Clearr is a paid reflective service run by a company, not a charity or crisis service.