What is the cycle of abuse?

A pattern that many people in harmful relationships recognise once it is described to them: pressure builds, something happens, remorse follows, there is a quiet period, and then the pressure starts to build again. The word "cycle" matters because it is the repetition that does the damage. Any single incident could be explained. A shape that comes round again and again cannot.

The four parts

Pressure. Something is wrong but nothing has happened yet. Your partner is short with you, silent, critical of small things. You find yourself managing: tidying, agreeing, steering the children out of the way, not mentioning the thing you were going to mention. People describe this as walking on eggshells, and it can last hours or weeks.

The incident. The pressure breaks. It might be shouting, a smashed object, a threat, an accusation that lasts all night, a hand on you, or a punishment that is quieter than any of those: money stopped, a door locked, your phone taken. Afterwards you are shaken and it is usually, somehow, about something you did.

Remorse. Your partner is sorry, or seems to be. There may be tears, promises, a version of events in which they were under terrible strain. There may be gifts. There may also be a quieter form in which nothing is said and they are simply kind for a while, which asks you to accept the kindness as the apology.

The quiet. Things are good, sometimes very good. This is the relationship you hoped you had. It is also when you are most likely to doubt your memory of the incident, to feel you overreacted, and to let go of any plan you had started to make. Then the pressure begins again.

Why the shape matters

Because each part makes the next one possible. The quiet period repairs the relationship enough for the pressure to be bearable. The remorse makes the incident look like an exception. The incident makes the pressure feel justified in retrospect: you knew something was coming and you were right. Over time the quiet periods tend to shorten and the incidents to arrive sooner, though not always.

What it does to the person inside it is the part that matters most. You become expert at reading moods and lose touch with your own. You start to measure the relationship by the quiet periods and the incidents by what you could have done differently. And you learn that your own account of events is unreliable, because the person who was there with you says it happened differently.

If you are reading this about yourself

Some people recognise themselves on the other side of this. If you are the one whose pressure builds, who has done the thing and then been sorry, the shape is just as real from where you stand, and the quiet periods do not undo the incidents. Change is possible and it does not start with another apology. The Respect Phoneline (0808 8024 040) is for people who want to stop.

What this might mean for you

The hardest thing about a cycle is seeing it while you are inside it, because at any given moment you are only in one part. The member module The four-week log gives you a private way to record a month so the shape shows up on paper. The apology cycle looks at the remorse stage in detail and why it feels like progress. If the incidents include violence, threats or fear, start with the free module Is this danger?.

Shortening quiet periods are a safety signal, not just a relationship one. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours), Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop 0800 999 5428. In an emergency, 999. Press 55 if you cannot speak. Press Escape twice to leave this site at once.