Will I lose the children if I leave?

Almost certainly not. In England, Wales and Scotland the court's only question about children is what is best for them, and leaving a home where you are frightened or controlled is read as protecting them. The fear that you will lose them is one of the most common reasons people stay, and it is very often a fear that someone has planted on purpose.

Where the fear comes from

If your partner has said it, said it often, and said it with certainty, that is worth noticing in itself. "You'll never see them again." "No judge will believe you." "I earn the money, so they stay with me." These are threats dressed as predictions, and they work because you cannot check them at 2am. People who use control tend to find the one thing their partner cannot bear to lose and hold it in front of them.

The fear also comes from a real place. Separation does change your children's lives, there may be a period of uncertainty, and the legal system does not always get it right. Both can be true: the fear is being used against you, and some of what you fear is real.

What the law does

Neither parent starts ahead. There is no presumption in favour of mothers, of the parent who earns more, or of the parent who stays in the house. In England and Wales, if you cannot agree arrangements between you, either of you can apply for a child arrangements order under the Children Act 1989, and the court decides on the welfare checklist: the child's needs, their wishes in light of their age, the effect of any change, any harm they have suffered or risk suffering, and how able each parent is to meet their needs. Scotland uses residence and contact orders under the Children (Scotland) Act 1995 with the same welfare principle. Northern Ireland follows a similar approach.

Courts must consider abuse. In England and Wales, Practice Direction 12J requires it, and harm to a parent is treated as harm to the child. In practice, most separated parents never reach a courtroom. They agree, sometimes with mediation. Will my partner get custody? goes through the process in more detail.

What tends to go wrong, and how to lower the risk

The cases that go badly usually have one of these in them: no record of what happened, a move that looked like hiding the children rather than protecting them, or a parent who, understandably, stopped all contact without explanation. So keep a dated note of incidents and of why you left, somewhere your partner cannot read. Take advice before you go if you can: a family solicitor, Citizens Advice, or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, which can point you to legal help. Legal aid is available where there is evidence of abuse. Unless the children are at risk from your partner, be the parent who was willing to arrange contact safely.

What this might mean for you

If the fear of losing the children is the thing holding you, name it as a blocker rather than a fact. The free module Leaving safely has a section on children and the practical steps around them, because the time around separation is when risk rises, for you and for them. Children: what they see is for the other half of this: what staying costs them, which is also part of their welfare.

This is general information, not legal advice. If you are not safe now: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours), Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop 0800 999 5428. In an emergency call 999 and press 55 if you cannot speak. Pressing Escape twice leaves this site at once.