How to argue well

Every couple argues. The ones who last argue in a way that leaves the relationship intact afterwards, and know how to find their way back. Arguing well is a skill, which means it can be learned, and it is a lot easier to learn when you know what you are aiming at.

The four habits that wear a relationship out

Relationship researchers have watched a great many couples argue and tracked who was still together years later. Four habits turned out to predict trouble more reliably than the subject of the row, how loud it got, or how often it happened. They are worth knowing by sight.

Criticism is the difference between "you didn't ring the plumber" and "you never do anything, you're useless". The first is a complaint about a thing. The second is an attack on a person. Complaints can be answered. Attacks can only be defended against.

Contempt is the one that matters most. Eye-rolling, mockery, sneering, correcting their grammar mid-argument, the tone that says "you are beneath this conversation". Contempt tells your partner they are not respected, and once it has become a habit it is very hard to live inside.

Defensiveness is answering a complaint with a counter-complaint, an excuse or a wounded "so it's all my fault then". It means nothing gets heard, because every sentence is met with a shield.

Shutting down is going silent, leaving, staring at your phone, becoming a wall. It feels like keeping the peace. To the other person it feels like being abandoned mid-sentence, and it usually makes them push harder.

Most people do all four occasionally. The trouble is when they become how arguments go.

What to do instead

Start soft. How the first minute goes predicts how the whole argument goes. "I'm frustrated about the plumber, can we talk about it?" opens a conversation. "Right, the plumber. Again." opens a fight.

Complain about the thing, not the person. Say what happened, what you felt, what you need. Keep "always" and "never" out of it. They are almost never true and they are always provocative.

Hear the complaint before answering it. "OK, I didn't ring him, you're right" costs you nothing and changes everything. You can disagree with the rest afterwards. Finding the bit your partner is right about, and saying so first, is the single most effective move in an argument.

Take a break that comes back. When your heart is going and your voice has risen, your thinking has gone. Say so: "I need twenty minutes." Then take twenty minutes, not two hours and not a night, and come back and start again. The coming back is what makes it a break rather than a walk-out.

Repair, and accept repair. Repair is anything that lowers the temperature: a joke, a hand on the arm, "that came out wrong", "I'm sorry, I'm being a nightmare, go on". Couples who last make these moves constantly, and, just as important, they let them land. Refusing a repair attempt because you are still cross is how arguments go on for three days.

Finish it. Not every argument gets resolved. Plenty of long-running couple disagreements are never resolved and both people live happily anyway. But every argument should end. "Can we agree we see this differently and leave it there for tonight?" is an ending. Silence until morning is not.

When this does not apply

All of the above assumes something: that you are two people who can disagree without either of you being afraid, and that both of you have an equal right to be heard. For most couples that is true, and arguing well is just practice.

It is not true for everyone, and advice about arguing well can do real harm where it is not. If arguments in your house are one person's monologue and the other's apology. If you plan what you say to avoid a reaction you dread. If disagreeing has consequences that last for days. If you are frightened. Then none of this is about technique, and getting better at soft starts will not help, because the problem is that only one of you is allowed to. What is coercive control? describes that pattern plainly. Don't all couples have problems? is a free module for anyone who is not sure which kind of arguing they have.

For everyone else: soft start, find the bit they are right about, take a break that comes back. It is hard rather than complicated, and it gets easier.