Staying safer while you decide

This module is for anyone who read the last one and felt something tighten. You do not have to be sure you are in danger to use it, and you do not have to be planning to leave. A safety plan is for the life you are living this week, in the home you are in, with the partner you have. It makes that life a little safer while you think.

A safety plan is not a leaving plan

People often put off making a safety plan because it feels like admitting something, or like taking a step they have not decided to take. It is neither. The people who do this work make safety plans with people who stay for years, and with people who never see themselves as being in an abusive relationship at all. The plan does not commit you to anything. It just means that if a bad night comes, you have already done the thinking while you were calm.

The mechanism is simple. In a frightening moment, the part of your mind that plans shuts down and the part that reacts takes over. You cannot think clearly about where your passport is while someone is shouting. So you think about it now, once, and then you do not have to think about it again.

What a plan is made of

Most plans have four parts. You do not need all of them. Pick what fits.

Things kept ready. Not packed by the door, which would be noticed, but findable in a minute. Your passport or driving licence. Birth certificates for you and any children. Bank cards or a little cash. Medication. Phone charger. Keys. A copy of important documents on a phone or in an email account your partner cannot see, or with someone you trust. Some people leave a small bag at a friend's house or at work. Others simply know where everything is and could gather it fast. Either works.

People who know. At least one person who knows that things are hard at home, and who you could call at any hour without explaining first. Agree a code word or phrase with them, something ordinary you could say in a text or in a call, that means come, or call the police, or just ring me back and keep me talking. Tell them what you would want them to do. People want to help and freeze when they do not know how.

Somewhere to go. Not forever. For a night, or an afternoon. A friend, a relative, a neighbour, a 24-hour supermarket, a hospital waiting room, a police station. Know how you would get there without the car if the car is not available. If you have children, think about whether they come with you and how.

What you do in the moment. Which room has a door that locks and a window, and which has knives, a cooker, hard floors. Where your phone is when things start to turn. Whether there is a reason you could step outside: the bins, the dog, a neighbour. A phrase you have ready that lowers the temperature rather than raises it, not because the row is your fault, but because getting through the night is the goal.

How services help without you having to leave

A common belief is that if you ring a helpline, or talk to a domestic abuse service, you will be told to leave, or that something will be set in motion. In the UK that is not how it works. The services are confidential. They do not contact your partner, the police or social services without your agreement, except in rare cases where a child is in immediate danger. Most of the people who ring them are not ready to go anywhere. They want to talk to someone who understands the shape of what is happening and can help them think.

What those services can do while you stay:

• Help you build this plan properly, with knowledge of what tends to happen.
• Put you in touch with a local service, which can offer a named worker, sometimes called an IDVA, who stays with you over months.
• Tell you about the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, sometimes called Clare's Law, which in England and Wales lets you ask the police whether your partner has a record of abuse. Scotland has an equivalent scheme. You do not have to be planning anything to ask.
• Talk you through your options on money, housing and the law, so that the picture in your head is accurate rather than the one your partner may have given you.
• Help you make a note of what has happened, dated, in your own words, held somewhere safe. Not for court, necessarily. For you, so that the next time you doubt yourself you can read what you wrote.

Your GP is also an ally. If you tell them things are difficult at home, they will record it, which creates evidence should you ever need it, and they can refer you on. Many GP practices and pharmacies are part of schemes where you can ask for help quietly. If you ask for ANI at a participating pharmacy, staff will take you somewhere private and help you contact someone.

If you live with your partner and have little privacy

Some readers will not be able to keep a bag, or make a phone call, or save a number. If that is you, start smaller. Memorise one phone number. Decide who the one person is. Notice where the exits are. A plan that lives only in your head is still a plan, and the next module in this lens, on your phone and your data, is written for people who are watched closely.

What this is not

This is not a prediction. Making a plan does not mean the night you are planning for will come, and plenty of people who build one never use it. It is also not a judgement on your partner, or on you for staying. It is a small amount of work done in advance so that if things go wrong, the version of you who has to act already knows what to do.

Where to go next

• Your phone, your money, your data. The practical checklist for anyone who is monitored or short of money.
• Leaving safely. Only if and when you want it. Separation carries its own risks and needs its own plan.
• Is this danger?, if you came here first and want to go back to the beginning.