How do I help my adult child in a bad relationship?

Stay close, say less than you want to, and make sure your child never has to choose between you and their partner. Parents tend to lose this one by winning the argument. You can be right about the relationship and still be the person who gets cut off, because you were the easier one to cut.

Why this is harder for a parent

You raised this person. You can see what is happening to them in a way nobody else can, and the instinct to step in is older than they are. But your child is an adult, and a partner who controls them has usually already told them that you interfere, that you never liked them, that you treat your child like a child. Every time you push, you prove the point.

There is also grief in it. The confident person you knew has gone quiet, cancels at the last minute, defends things you would never have expected them to defend. It is tempting to say so. Saying so tends to produce a defence of the partner, because the alternative is admitting something unbearable, and then the subject is closed.

What helps

Ask open questions and let the answers sit. "How are things?" "You seemed tired on Sunday." Then silence. People disclose in their own time, and a parent who can be quiet is a parent who gets told things.

Believe what you are told and say so plainly. "That sounds hard." "That would frighten me too." Nothing more.

Keep the door open and keep it ordinary. Invitations that can be refused without a fuss. Texts about the dog, the football, a recipe. The point is to be a steady presence that asks nothing, because a controlling partner relies on the outside world fading.

Do not attack the partner. Even when your child complains about them, respond to the behaviour ("that must have been horrible") rather than the person. Your child may be back with them tomorrow and will remember what you called them.

Be practical when asked. Spare room, a bit of money that is theirs with no conditions, a place to keep documents, a lift at short notice. Say once that these are available and then do not mention them again.

Look after the grandchildren's relationship with you if there are any. It may be the thread that holds.

Look after yourself. This can go on for years, and watching is its own kind of strain. The helplines will talk to you as well.

Holding your own part

Ask yourself one hard question: is there anything in how you treat your child that their partner can point to? A habit of telling them what to do, of commenting on their choices, of making them feel they got things wrong. If so, their partner is using it, and changing it removes a weapon. If your child says you are too much, hear it rather than defending yourself.

If you believe they are in danger

Call 999. If their partner has threatened them, hurt them or kept them from leaving the house, this is a matter for the police regardless of what your child wants you to do. Tell them afterwards what you did and why. If you are not sure whether it has reached that point, the free module Is this danger? goes through the questions UK services use, and you can answer them about your child.

What this might mean for you

Much of what applies to friends applies here, and How do I help a friend in an abusive relationship? has more on what to say. If you want to put something in your child's hands without pushing, Pass this on explains how to share Clearr in a way that leaves nothing on their phone.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, takes calls from family), Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327, Galop 0800 999 5428. In an emergency, 999. Press 55 if you cannot speak. If you are reading this somewhere you might be seen, pressing Escape twice leaves the site at once.