How do I leave my partner?

You leave in stages, and the first stage is quiet. Before anything is said, you get your documents, your money and somewhere to go in order, so that when you do go you are not relying on a conversation going well. How much of this you need depends on one question: are you afraid of them?

If you are not afraid of them

Then leaving is painful but not dangerous, and the task is mostly practical and emotional.

• Decide where you will live, at least for the first weeks. A friend, family, a rental. Do not plan to stay in the shared home and negotiate. Proximity makes everything harder.
• Separate your money. Open an account in your own name if you do not have one. Know what is joint, what is owed, and what you are liable for.
• Gather your documents. Passport, birth certificate, National Insurance number, bank details, tenancy or mortgage papers, anything for the children.
• Have the conversation once, clearly, and with an exit. Say what you have decided and where you are going. Do not negotiate the decision in the same conversation.
• Tell someone before and after. Not for safety, for steadiness.

If you are afraid of them

Then the order changes, because leaving is the most dangerous period in a controlling relationship. The weeks around separation are when risk of serious harm is highest, and the people who assess this treat them as such. It is a reason to plan rather than improvise, not a reason to stay.

• Do not announce it. Plan to be gone before they know.
• Use a device they cannot see. A friend's phone, a work computer, a library. Assume your own phone, email and location may be monitored.
• Get a plan from someone trained. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline will help you build one for your situation, including refuge if you need it. This is what they do all day.
• Put the essentials somewhere outside the house, with a person you trust: copies of documents, spare keys, some cash, medication, a change of clothes for you and any children.
• Think about the children's routine. School, nursery, childminder. Who will be told what, and when.
• Go when they are reliably out. Not during a row, not after a warning.
• Afterwards, tell the people who need to know: school, GP, employer, the bank. Consider changing passwords and getting your phone checked.

If leaving now does not feel possible, you can still make yourself safer where you are. That is a plan too.

The things that stop people

Money, housing, the children, shame, hope that it will get better, and the fear of being blamed for breaking up the family. Every one of those is real. None of them is a reason to decide tonight. They are the things to work through one at a time, with information rather than at 2am.

What this might mean for you

The free module Leaving safely takes you through a plan step by step, with somewhere to build it that your partner cannot see. If you are not ready to leave, or cannot yet, Staying safer while you decide is for exactly that. The assessment starts with eight safety questions and will say plainly if what you describe is something services take seriously.

This is information, not legal advice. For your specific situation a solicitor, Citizens Advice or a domestic abuse service can help.

To talk to someone now: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, England). Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline 0800 027 1234. Live Fear Free (Wales) 0808 80 10 800. Men's Advice Line 0808 801 0327. Galop (LGBT+) 0800 999 5428. In an emergency, 999. Press 55 if you cannot speak.